100 days to go!!!

WOW! Only 100 days until Lumpetta is due! It just seems so long and short at the same time.

She is doing really well. Yesterday is the first day that I really felt her move a lot. She is still squirming around today. I usually got a kick or 2 a day, but nothing consistent until yesterday. I hope it lasts.

I am feeling pretty good. Im uncomfortable, but its ok. I am just suddenly absolutely EXHAUSTED! I would love to walk the Runnin' of the Green 7k this weekend, but Im not sure if I can make it! I have a couple days left to decide if I want to try or not. Its only 4 miles and R will walk with me if I want. Maybe slow walking is ok? Im not sure yet. Maybe Ill wait one more week.

We finally hired our doula, S, this week. We have been meaning to hire her for a while, but we are both procrastinators. I am excited now. She is awesome! She is a massage therapist also, so hopefully that will help with the pain of labor.

Thats all for now. I have to pee....

First big scare, but everything is ok.

long day.....dont worry. got to spend the day at dr.'s office and hospital plus a fun ambulance ride.

im home now. i had cramping, backache, possible pPROM...stupid me went to work. called dr. said to get into the office asap. got there...they tried to do a ffn test and somehow i started bleeding a lot. they called the ambulance and sent me to L&D after getting a steroid shot. at L&D i stopped bleeding. baby doing great. having some contractions, but not many. still in pain though. have appt tomorrow at dr office again to get 2nd steroid shot. not sure what is going on. grr. ill find out about bedrest tomorrow also.

good news is my cervix is now out of the possible danger range and still closed, so the ctx are not dilating me.

i just dont know what is going on.....it was a lot of blood and some really big clots. i know they wouldnt have discharged me if there was a serious problem but im a bit traumatized.

sorry for the rambling post, just processing stuff still. ill update when i know what is next.

IT'S A.........

It's official! We went to find out last night! She is an active little one! It was great. I almost feel guilty that things are so normal. YAY!

Updates

So, I wrote a lot of posts and kept them unposted until I was sure Lumpy was going to make it. Then I was so sick and exhausted I didnt post again for a long time! Oops! Sorry!

Everything is ok. Lumpy is doing great! We should find out the sex in the next few weeks. Interesting things that have recently happened:

I tried and tried to avoid maternity pants....for Christmas my mother-in-law bought me a pair for work. I really didnt think Id like them, but they have to be the most comfortable pants ever! I am off to shop for more on Tuesday.

I have only gained 5 lbs. but my waist is gone and Ive added 5-6 inches around my mid-section. Nice one Lumpy!

I can again eat SOME vegetables. Not a lot and not all the time, but its getting better.

Besides all of that we are doing great here. I am really enjoying winter break and do NOT want to go back to work on the 5th! Why can't I just lay around in pajamas ALL THE TIME!

I hope everyone had great holidays! Happy (almost) new year!

Lots of love,
A

YAY!

Lumpy (yes, thats its name for now) is growing and doing great! We had our 2nd ultrasound today. Lumpy has a heartbeat of 186 bpm! YAY! This will hopefully last for the long haul. We were released from the RE today and have our first OB appt on Friday.

Bring it on!

Ok, so short post. Morning sickness is here. Well, not morning, I usually get about an hour or 2 after I wake up that Im ok then its all downhill. Night is really the worst though. Argh.

Love (& Hope) at first sight

Today we had our first ultrasound at the RE's office. It went great. I kind of freaked out at first because it looked like an empty sac, but then they zoomed in and I could see it really in there! The heartbeat was flickering away. R was able to see it better than I was, but it was beating at 123 bpm! YAY! We go back again to follow up with the RE on November 11. I just pray that this little lump keeps growing strong!

beta levels

Ok, here is how the beta levels are going:

12 dpo = 44
15 dpo = 198
17 dpo = 394

its looking good for now! I go for my first ultrasound on 10/29. I hope we will see a heartbeat by then. Until the heartbeat I am stressed out A LOT!

holy hell!

So T called me yesterday and asked if I was pregnant. Its still too early to test so I said I didnt know. She said she had a dream and that I was pregnant with triplets. That scared me enough to test at 3:30 AM and wtf....it was ++++++!


Im freaking out now! Im terrified! I have betas scheduled for the next few days!

thinking of next time

Not that I am being pessimistic, but I am looking toward the next round of meds/IUI etc. I just dont feel like this was it. Now that Ive said that, watch me be wrong. I hope so!!

I had weird cramps this week. I usually dont cramp up like this until right before my period. Blah. Maybe just another side effect of the clomid. I am planning on testing on the 11th or so. I have an appointment at CCRM on the 15th. I hope they can give us some more insight. We arent going to do IVF (at least not now) but maybe they can have other ideas.

another round

Well, here we go again. Today was another IUI. Tomorrow is another IUI. Im so sick of the meds and everything. This time the clomid did work (surprise, just before I could convince them to change it!). There were 4 follicles, 2 at 18 and 2 around 15. They (again) didnt think I'd surge on my own and I did. At least this is a saturday and sunday IUI. Im running out of sick days at work!

Overall, I am still hopeful. I have to be. I am just tired. I really hope this works.

so high then so low...

Over the summer I really felt like I FINALLY came to grips with the whole infertility/miscarriage thing. I felt I was in a good place and I was exactly where I was supposed to be, even if the place sucked. Yesterday I came crashing down. After everything weve done why will nothing work? I would love to be throwing up everyday and sick sick sick-if only to be pregnant! What are we doing wrong?

DO NOT TELL ME TO RELAX! It will not happen any quicker or better if I just let things go. Some people should know better than to even suggest that! If you have ever gone through infertility treatments or a miscarriage then you should be supportive. If you cant think of anything to say then just SAY NOTHING! Its better than crappy advice like: just relax, go on vacation, stop thinking about it, or just have a lot of sex.

And to all those people who keep asking me if Im pregnant or have kids....stop being nosy. NO I am not pregnant. Thank you for telling me that Ive gained weight. I love taking fertility drugs that DO NOT WORK and having all of the side effects. NO, we do not have any kids. YES we would like them...YESTERDAY! No we do not have any pets because we dont have kids. No we do not travel a lot since we are not TIED DOWN.

I just wish I could scream at people and tell them to GET A LITTLE COMMON SENSE, SENSITIVITY, and a FREAKING FILTER FOR THEIR THOUGHTS/ADVICE!

Sorry for the rant. Like I said, this is not a good place to be right now.

time flies

Wow! Its been a while since Ive posted. Here are the updates.

In May we tried everything au natural....didnt work. We started clomid (the devil drug) in June. All it did was make me insane. Even through I did ovulate, the clomid made "hostile mucus". Now for July we are on clomid again. Woo hoo. We are doing IUI (intrauterine insemination) this month.

I stress over this. When I did the HSG the catheter they used hurt SO much. I am worried this will hurt a lot also. Im doing it, I promised R I would. I also have to do daily blood draws starting on Sunday morning. So needles, catheters, sterile environments. If this does work, its not the best story to tell your kid when they ask "where did i come from"?

Here is how that conversation might go....

child: where did i come from?
mom: well, we really wanted you, but you took forever to show up. eventually mommy and daddy let doctors take gallons of their blood until they finally figured out that we needed help. mommy had to take medicine that caused her to go temporarily insane and alienate her friends and family because she was psychotic. after that mommy had to go to the doctor every morning before the sun came up to have more blood taken.
dad: after the doctor said it was time, daddy had to put his "contribution" into a cup and then mommy and daddy drove downtown. the doctor then took daddy's cup and cleaned it up and then he put a tube into mommy. he put daddy into that tube and it went into mommy and then we waited (while mommy peed on everything she could find) 2 weeks and found out you were there.
child: so is the doctor my daddy?

ok, so im sarcastic and slightly bitter today.

im so damn sick of people telling me to "relax" and it will happen. that could be the case for a lot of people, but obviously "relaxing" doesnt have anything to do with getting pregnant. if that were the case there would only be pre-natal yoga classes. i am not stressed out over this. i am finally at peace with the whole thing. its everyone and their stupid, insensitive advice that pisses me off. that is when i get stressed out. me exploring options does not make it impossible for us to get pregnant because i am seeking medical interventions.

what if someone told a person with cancer to relax and it would go away. um, no...

ok, rant over for today. maybe....

Looking Forward

Thank God school is out in 2.5 days. I just don't think I could last much longer than that. I have never felt so overwhelmed or stressed out in my entire life!

Non baby related news
We are finally in the new house. It is great! I love it!! There is a lot of work to do and I don't know if I'll ever be finished unpacking, but I don't care. It's so nice to just come "home".

They increased my thyroid medication this month. Apparently the medicine reduced the size of the growth on my thyroid, but in that process my thyroid is working less than before. The antibodies will continue to kill it until it doesn't do anything (my interpretation of doctor's statement). Thats ok though, smaller growth means no surgery! I can handle meds, I just don't want to be cut open.

Baby news
Well it is summer now. We talked and decided that next cycle we will do the fertility treatments. I would rather not be on medications that turn me into a psychotic bitch while I am at work (see above stress related comment). I would hate to get fired for killing a kid or throwing things at co-workers. Someone remind me to get Ronnie a hard hat and protective clothing.

Overall, I am very much looking forward to summer. I need time to just be on my own and regroup. I plan on running in the mornings and working around the house. We may even go on our honeymoon (finally), There are family reunions and our new nephew is coming to visit. It is packed and almost seems too much at times, but I think it will work out and I will be rested and renewed to go back to work in August.

Oh, I almost forgot...We are running the Disneyland Half Marathon at the end of August! I am excited!

Waves

I am overcome with a vision of the ocean. I can see and hear the waves crashing on the rocks. I can feel the water washing over me...

Today a tragedy happened. A friend went into the hospital to deliver their baby, when they got there the baby had no heartbeat. I dont know a better way to express myself. She went through pregnancy and labor, but will not get to see her son grow up. Even having gone through so many miscarriages doesnt prepare you for that. I am at a loss of what to say or do. We werent close, but our husbands are best friends.

I feel guilty. I was so jealous of them for being pregnant. I was angry. Now, they've lost their son. How can you go home to a house full of baby things after that? How do you go on day to day?

Finally, SOMETHING!!!

I got an email from my RE yesterday. They finally found something. It is weird to be excited that there is something wrong with me, but I am so happy! I have been so frustrated for so long.

It turns out they found anti-thyroid antibodies. I have an appointment with a medical endocrinologist (ME) next Monday. Then I will know more. Apparently thyroid problems have a huge impact on infertility and miscarriage.

I realized last night that I was still blaming myself for all of the miscarriages. I got these results from the doctor and realize now that it is NOT my fault. I did nothing to cause them. It was not just bad luck. There was a reason, now they have found it. This may not be curable, but it is treatable. That is amazing!

The RE wants me to go back on birth control for a few months to get things straightened out. After that its onto clomid and progesterone for a few months. I should start the birth control this Sunday.

Im so relieved they found something. I can stop wondering and questioning why this kept happening to me. Maybe Ill be lucky and it will never happen again....

"We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated." ~Maya Angelou

new year, new issues

So its a new year...well, it has been for almost a month now. We finally got all the testing done, even the HSG. THAT was unpleasant! All tests normal.

We went for our follow up and "fertility plan" yesterday. All of my questions were kind of glanced over, and it was noted that there DID seem to be a problem, even though tests dont show it. Then the fun part. Apparently at my annual the dr. noticed that my thyroid was "prominent". I bring this up and the RE checks and indeed it is. He sends us for more tests and refers us to a medical endocrinologist. Yay. Another doctor. Now we are just waiting for the new test results and then a call from new doctor (lets call him ME).

Now the "fertility plan". For the next few months its back on birth control. Yippee. I really miss the migrains. Then in April/May we stop birth control and start the clomid/progesterone mix. Ive done this before. Its not terribly exciting, and it definitely did not help any of the problems then. Why should it now? I'll give it a couple months I suppose.

Its nice to have a plan, but I was hoping for something different. This isnt different. How can the same thing work when it didnt before?

"Destiny is not a matter of chance, but a matter of choice."--W.J. Bryant

Holding On

Some days it's easier to hold on than others.

This has nothing to do with the normal theme of the blog.

The last month has been one long, hard road. One of the trials you hear other people talk about and think it will never be your life. Then it is all of a sudden. All of a sudden you're falling down the rabbit hole just like Alice. You open your eyes and think that you must still be dreaming because why is the bed on the ceiling and the light on the floor?

When everything is flipped, can you ever really get back? Do you walk backward to move forward? Can you ever go home again?

If the structure is the same but a room is missing, does anyone else notice? Or does everyone else go around the missing room hoping no one remembers or makes them remember it is missing?

I am spending huge amounts of time and energy just trying to shut away the memory of the room until I am alone. I don't want to accidentally walk into the missing room while I am supposed to be in control of my life. I don't want the hidden door to open when I'm not expecting it.

No one seems to think that the missing room even registers to me. They expect me to not notice the change or feel the difference in my life now that I cannot go there anymore. I've lived in the house for 16 years. The room was very special. The room made the house a home. Without the room there, I feel like I can never go home again. I can visit the house, but the empty space is taking over... it no longer feels full. I can feel the empty room, even as far away as I have been the last few years.

She was important to me! And I never really got to say that. How would anyone know she mattered to me? Why couldn't I say that she was very important to me, to our family? I hear her laugh whenever I stop to think about her. I hate thinking of going back home and not hearing her voice in the kitchen. I know we didn't talk much, but it wasn't the amount spoken....it was the simple fact that it was my family. It didn't matter to me how long we were family, or under what circumstances we became family....we just were.

Tell the people in your life that they matter to you. Tell your family and friends you love them. I haven't been very good at letting people in to my life for a long time. I never saw how much my silence hurt them. I never meant to shut them out. I was just scared.

I am so sorry.

More results

Here are some more results....not sure what they really mean yet though. I will schedule my next appointment after the HSG.

Lupus anticoagulant panel with 1:1 mix

*PT 9.3 seconds
*PT INR 0.9 (flagged as low)
*APTT 27.1 seconds
*APTT immediately after addition of normal plasma --no evidence of lupus
*platelet neutralization procedure <8
*tissue thromboplastin inhibition 59.4 seconds
*phopholipid neutralization 61.4 seconds
*dilute russell viper venom induced 39.4 seconds

Hypercoagulability panel

*Protein-c 112%
*protein-s 108%
*activated protein c resistance ratio 2.5
*antithrombin ag, immune meethod 106%
*factor VIII activity, enzymatic 86%
*homocystine 8.6 umol/L
*cardiolipin IGG, EIA 5.5 GPL
*cardiolipin IGM, EIA 4.1 MPL
*F2 gene, p.g20210a mutation normal

Cardiolipin IGG and IGM

*cardiolipin IGG, EIA 5.5 GPL
*cardiolipin IGM, EIA 4.1 MPL

Semen Analysis

Apparently normal, but I dont have numbers for this yet.

Starting to get results

We are starting to get results. So far there are no abnormalities.

Progesterone 22.7 (YAY)
Creatinine 0.8
Testosterone 38
Prolactine 5.9
TSH 1.766
Rh factor positive
Rubella negative
HCG negative (means nothing is left over from last miscarriage)

Still waiting for:

cardiolipin IGG and IGM
lupus anticoagulant panel
chromosome analysis (me and Ronnie)
hypercoaguability panel
semen analysis (not for me!)

Need to schedule:

hysterosalpingogram (HSG) with injection