Holding On

Some days it's easier to hold on than others.

This has nothing to do with the normal theme of the blog.

The last month has been one long, hard road. One of the trials you hear other people talk about and think it will never be your life. Then it is all of a sudden. All of a sudden you're falling down the rabbit hole just like Alice. You open your eyes and think that you must still be dreaming because why is the bed on the ceiling and the light on the floor?

When everything is flipped, can you ever really get back? Do you walk backward to move forward? Can you ever go home again?

If the structure is the same but a room is missing, does anyone else notice? Or does everyone else go around the missing room hoping no one remembers or makes them remember it is missing?

I am spending huge amounts of time and energy just trying to shut away the memory of the room until I am alone. I don't want to accidentally walk into the missing room while I am supposed to be in control of my life. I don't want the hidden door to open when I'm not expecting it.

No one seems to think that the missing room even registers to me. They expect me to not notice the change or feel the difference in my life now that I cannot go there anymore. I've lived in the house for 16 years. The room was very special. The room made the house a home. Without the room there, I feel like I can never go home again. I can visit the house, but the empty space is taking over... it no longer feels full. I can feel the empty room, even as far away as I have been the last few years.

She was important to me! And I never really got to say that. How would anyone know she mattered to me? Why couldn't I say that she was very important to me, to our family? I hear her laugh whenever I stop to think about her. I hate thinking of going back home and not hearing her voice in the kitchen. I know we didn't talk much, but it wasn't the amount spoken....it was the simple fact that it was my family. It didn't matter to me how long we were family, or under what circumstances we became family....we just were.

Tell the people in your life that they matter to you. Tell your family and friends you love them. I haven't been very good at letting people in to my life for a long time. I never saw how much my silence hurt them. I never meant to shut them out. I was just scared.

I am so sorry.

More results

Here are some more results....not sure what they really mean yet though. I will schedule my next appointment after the HSG.

Lupus anticoagulant panel with 1:1 mix

*PT 9.3 seconds
*PT INR 0.9 (flagged as low)
*APTT 27.1 seconds
*APTT immediately after addition of normal plasma --no evidence of lupus
*platelet neutralization procedure <8
*tissue thromboplastin inhibition 59.4 seconds
*phopholipid neutralization 61.4 seconds
*dilute russell viper venom induced 39.4 seconds

Hypercoagulability panel

*Protein-c 112%
*protein-s 108%
*activated protein c resistance ratio 2.5
*antithrombin ag, immune meethod 106%
*factor VIII activity, enzymatic 86%
*homocystine 8.6 umol/L
*cardiolipin IGG, EIA 5.5 GPL
*cardiolipin IGM, EIA 4.1 MPL
*F2 gene, p.g20210a mutation normal

Cardiolipin IGG and IGM

*cardiolipin IGG, EIA 5.5 GPL
*cardiolipin IGM, EIA 4.1 MPL

Semen Analysis

Apparently normal, but I dont have numbers for this yet.

Starting to get results

We are starting to get results. So far there are no abnormalities.

Progesterone 22.7 (YAY)
Creatinine 0.8
Testosterone 38
Prolactine 5.9
TSH 1.766
Rh factor positive
Rubella negative
HCG negative (means nothing is left over from last miscarriage)

Still waiting for:

cardiolipin IGG and IGM
lupus anticoagulant panel
chromosome analysis (me and Ronnie)
hypercoaguability panel
semen analysis (not for me!)

Need to schedule:

hysterosalpingogram (HSG) with injection

New Beginnings

Today is not the first day of the rest of my life. Today is Tuesday. Today is a day to confront the past, deal with it, and move on.

Today was my first meeting with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE--that's a fertility specialist to those of you lucky enough not to know). He was a very positive and happy individual. His nurse was also great. They addressed the tough subjects, but did not dwell on them.

Today was a day for hope.

13 vials of blood. 1 urine test. An order for an upcoming HSG (again, if you dont know, be happy). Doesn't sound like fun. It wasn't. But it gave me hope that there can be an answer or a solution (or a miracle).

6 miscarriages. No babies to hold. 1 failed marriage. I wouldn't change any of it.

Through all of it I found myself. Who knew I was a strong woman? Who knew I COULD deal with all of this? I know now.

I pulled myself up from the bottom of my own personal circle of hell to find out what my life is supposed to be.

I married the man of my dreams 10 days ago.

At the time I sank into questioning....marriages are supposed to start with possibilities, not problems. WHY do we have to start our marriage out with such a sense of loss? WHY can't we have the fairy tale? WHY WHY WHY?!?!?!?

2 days after the wedding I changed doctors. My new doctor, without ever seeing me, immediately gave me a referral to the RE. The RE immediately gets me an appointment. First appointment and we immediately begin testing.

I realized today our marriage and my life has an infinite number of possibilities.