November 25, 2007

Holding On

Some days it's easier to hold on than others.

This has nothing to do with the normal theme of the blog.

The last month has been one long, hard road. One of the trials you hear other people talk about and think it will never be your life. Then it is all of a sudden. All of a sudden you're falling down the rabbit hole just like Alice. You open your eyes and think that you must still be dreaming because why is the bed on the ceiling and the light on the floor?

When everything is flipped, can you ever really get back? Do you walk backward to move forward? Can you ever go home again?

If the structure is the same but a room is missing, does anyone else notice? Or does everyone else go around the missing room hoping no one remembers or makes them remember it is missing?

I am spending huge amounts of time and energy just trying to shut away the memory of the room until I am alone. I don't want to accidentally walk into the missing room while I am supposed to be in control of my life. I don't want the hidden door to open when I'm not expecting it.

No one seems to think that the missing room even registers to me. They expect me to not notice the change or feel the difference in my life now that I cannot go there anymore. I've lived in the house for 16 years. The room was very special. The room made the house a home. Without the room there, I feel like I can never go home again. I can visit the house, but the empty space is taking over... it no longer feels full. I can feel the empty room, even as far away as I have been the last few years.

She was important to me! And I never really got to say that. How would anyone know she mattered to me? Why couldn't I say that she was very important to me, to our family? I hear her laugh whenever I stop to think about her. I hate thinking of going back home and not hearing her voice in the kitchen. I know we didn't talk much, but it wasn't the amount was the simple fact that it was my family. It didn't matter to me how long we were family, or under what circumstances we became family....we just were.

Tell the people in your life that they matter to you. Tell your family and friends you love them. I haven't been very good at letting people in to my life for a long time. I never saw how much my silence hurt them. I never meant to shut them out. I was just scared.

I am so sorry.