Waves

I am overcome with a vision of the ocean. I can see and hear the waves crashing on the rocks. I can feel the water washing over me...

Today a tragedy happened. A friend went into the hospital to deliver their baby, when they got there the baby had no heartbeat. I dont know a better way to express myself. She went through pregnancy and labor, but will not get to see her son grow up. Even having gone through so many miscarriages doesnt prepare you for that. I am at a loss of what to say or do. We werent close, but our husbands are best friends.

I feel guilty. I was so jealous of them for being pregnant. I was angry. Now, they've lost their son. How can you go home to a house full of baby things after that? How do you go on day to day?

Finally, SOMETHING!!!

I got an email from my RE yesterday. They finally found something. It is weird to be excited that there is something wrong with me, but I am so happy! I have been so frustrated for so long.

It turns out they found anti-thyroid antibodies. I have an appointment with a medical endocrinologist (ME) next Monday. Then I will know more. Apparently thyroid problems have a huge impact on infertility and miscarriage.

I realized last night that I was still blaming myself for all of the miscarriages. I got these results from the doctor and realize now that it is NOT my fault. I did nothing to cause them. It was not just bad luck. There was a reason, now they have found it. This may not be curable, but it is treatable. That is amazing!

The RE wants me to go back on birth control for a few months to get things straightened out. After that its onto clomid and progesterone for a few months. I should start the birth control this Sunday.

Im so relieved they found something. I can stop wondering and questioning why this kept happening to me. Maybe Ill be lucky and it will never happen again....

"We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated." ~Maya Angelou