Thank God school is out in 2.5 days. I just don't think I could last much longer than that. I have never felt so overwhelmed or stressed out in my entire life!
Non baby related news
We are finally in the new house. It is great! I love it!! There is a lot of work to do and I don't know if I'll ever be finished unpacking, but I don't care. It's so nice to just come "home".
They increased my thyroid medication this month. Apparently the medicine reduced the size of the growth on my thyroid, but in that process my thyroid is working less than before. The antibodies will continue to kill it until it doesn't do anything (my interpretation of doctor's statement). Thats ok though, smaller growth means no surgery! I can handle meds, I just don't want to be cut open.
Baby news
Well it is summer now. We talked and decided that next cycle we will do the fertility treatments. I would rather not be on medications that turn me into a psychotic bitch while I am at work (see above stress related comment). I would hate to get fired for killing a kid or throwing things at co-workers. Someone remind me to get Ronnie a hard hat and protective clothing.
Overall, I am very much looking forward to summer. I need time to just be on my own and regroup. I plan on running in the mornings and working around the house. We may even go on our honeymoon (finally), There are family reunions and our new nephew is coming to visit. It is packed and almost seems too much at times, but I think it will work out and I will be rested and renewed to go back to work in August.
Oh, I almost forgot...We are running the Disneyland Half Marathon at the end of August! I am excited!
May 29, 2008
February 29, 2008
Waves
I am overcome with a vision of the ocean. I can see and hear the waves crashing on the rocks. I can feel the water washing over me...
Today a tragedy happened. A friend went into the hospital to deliver their baby, when they got there the baby had no heartbeat. I dont know a better way to express myself. She went through pregnancy and labor, but will not get to see her son grow up. Even having gone through so many miscarriages doesnt prepare you for that. I am at a loss of what to say or do. We werent close, but our husbands are best friends.
I feel guilty. I was so jealous of them for being pregnant. I was angry. Now, they've lost their son. How can you go home to a house full of baby things after that? How do you go on day to day?
Today a tragedy happened. A friend went into the hospital to deliver their baby, when they got there the baby had no heartbeat. I dont know a better way to express myself. She went through pregnancy and labor, but will not get to see her son grow up. Even having gone through so many miscarriages doesnt prepare you for that. I am at a loss of what to say or do. We werent close, but our husbands are best friends.
I feel guilty. I was so jealous of them for being pregnant. I was angry. Now, they've lost their son. How can you go home to a house full of baby things after that? How do you go on day to day?
February 12, 2008
Finally, SOMETHING!!!
I got an email from my RE yesterday. They finally found something. It is weird to be excited that there is something wrong with me, but I am so happy! I have been so frustrated for so long.
It turns out they found anti-thyroid antibodies. I have an appointment with a medical endocrinologist (ME) next Monday. Then I will know more. Apparently thyroid problems have a huge impact on infertility and miscarriage.
I realized last night that I was still blaming myself for all of the miscarriages. I got these results from the doctor and realize now that it is NOT my fault. I did nothing to cause them. It was not just bad luck. There was a reason, now they have found it. This may not be curable, but it is treatable. That is amazing!
The RE wants me to go back on birth control for a few months to get things straightened out. After that its onto clomid and progesterone for a few months. I should start the birth control this Sunday.
Im so relieved they found something. I can stop wondering and questioning why this kept happening to me. Maybe Ill be lucky and it will never happen again....
"We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated." ~Maya Angelou
It turns out they found anti-thyroid antibodies. I have an appointment with a medical endocrinologist (ME) next Monday. Then I will know more. Apparently thyroid problems have a huge impact on infertility and miscarriage.
I realized last night that I was still blaming myself for all of the miscarriages. I got these results from the doctor and realize now that it is NOT my fault. I did nothing to cause them. It was not just bad luck. There was a reason, now they have found it. This may not be curable, but it is treatable. That is amazing!
The RE wants me to go back on birth control for a few months to get things straightened out. After that its onto clomid and progesterone for a few months. I should start the birth control this Sunday.
Im so relieved they found something. I can stop wondering and questioning why this kept happening to me. Maybe Ill be lucky and it will never happen again....
"We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated." ~Maya Angelou
January 31, 2008
new year, new issues
So its a new year...well, it has been for almost a month now. We finally got all the testing done, even the HSG. THAT was unpleasant! All tests normal.
We went for our follow up and "fertility plan" yesterday. All of my questions were kind of glanced over, and it was noted that there DID seem to be a problem, even though tests dont show it. Then the fun part. Apparently at my annual the dr. noticed that my thyroid was "prominent". I bring this up and the RE checks and indeed it is. He sends us for more tests and refers us to a medical endocrinologist. Yay. Another doctor. Now we are just waiting for the new test results and then a call from new doctor (lets call him ME).
Now the "fertility plan". For the next few months its back on birth control. Yippee. I really miss the migrains. Then in April/May we stop birth control and start the clomid/progesterone mix. Ive done this before. Its not terribly exciting, and it definitely did not help any of the problems then. Why should it now? I'll give it a couple months I suppose.
Its nice to have a plan, but I was hoping for something different. This isnt different. How can the same thing work when it didnt before?
"Destiny is not a matter of chance, but a matter of choice."--W.J. Bryant
We went for our follow up and "fertility plan" yesterday. All of my questions were kind of glanced over, and it was noted that there DID seem to be a problem, even though tests dont show it. Then the fun part. Apparently at my annual the dr. noticed that my thyroid was "prominent". I bring this up and the RE checks and indeed it is. He sends us for more tests and refers us to a medical endocrinologist. Yay. Another doctor. Now we are just waiting for the new test results and then a call from new doctor (lets call him ME).
Now the "fertility plan". For the next few months its back on birth control. Yippee. I really miss the migrains. Then in April/May we stop birth control and start the clomid/progesterone mix. Ive done this before. Its not terribly exciting, and it definitely did not help any of the problems then. Why should it now? I'll give it a couple months I suppose.
Its nice to have a plan, but I was hoping for something different. This isnt different. How can the same thing work when it didnt before?
"Destiny is not a matter of chance, but a matter of choice."--W.J. Bryant
November 25, 2007
Holding On
Some days it's easier to hold on than others.
This has nothing to do with the normal theme of the blog.
The last month has been one long, hard road. One of the trials you hear other people talk about and think it will never be your life. Then it is all of a sudden. All of a sudden you're falling down the rabbit hole just like Alice. You open your eyes and think that you must still be dreaming because why is the bed on the ceiling and the light on the floor?
When everything is flipped, can you ever really get back? Do you walk backward to move forward? Can you ever go home again?
If the structure is the same but a room is missing, does anyone else notice? Or does everyone else go around the missing room hoping no one remembers or makes them remember it is missing?
I am spending huge amounts of time and energy just trying to shut away the memory of the room until I am alone. I don't want to accidentally walk into the missing room while I am supposed to be in control of my life. I don't want the hidden door to open when I'm not expecting it.
No one seems to think that the missing room even registers to me. They expect me to not notice the change or feel the difference in my life now that I cannot go there anymore. I've lived in the house for 16 years. The room was very special. The room made the house a home. Without the room there, I feel like I can never go home again. I can visit the house, but the empty space is taking over... it no longer feels full. I can feel the empty room, even as far away as I have been the last few years.
She was important to me! And I never really got to say that. How would anyone know she mattered to me? Why couldn't I say that she was very important to me, to our family? I hear her laugh whenever I stop to think about her. I hate thinking of going back home and not hearing her voice in the kitchen. I know we didn't talk much, but it wasn't the amount spoken....it was the simple fact that it was my family. It didn't matter to me how long we were family, or under what circumstances we became family....we just were.
Tell the people in your life that they matter to you. Tell your family and friends you love them. I haven't been very good at letting people in to my life for a long time. I never saw how much my silence hurt them. I never meant to shut them out. I was just scared.
I am so sorry.
This has nothing to do with the normal theme of the blog.
The last month has been one long, hard road. One of the trials you hear other people talk about and think it will never be your life. Then it is all of a sudden. All of a sudden you're falling down the rabbit hole just like Alice. You open your eyes and think that you must still be dreaming because why is the bed on the ceiling and the light on the floor?
When everything is flipped, can you ever really get back? Do you walk backward to move forward? Can you ever go home again?
If the structure is the same but a room is missing, does anyone else notice? Or does everyone else go around the missing room hoping no one remembers or makes them remember it is missing?
I am spending huge amounts of time and energy just trying to shut away the memory of the room until I am alone. I don't want to accidentally walk into the missing room while I am supposed to be in control of my life. I don't want the hidden door to open when I'm not expecting it.
No one seems to think that the missing room even registers to me. They expect me to not notice the change or feel the difference in my life now that I cannot go there anymore. I've lived in the house for 16 years. The room was very special. The room made the house a home. Without the room there, I feel like I can never go home again. I can visit the house, but the empty space is taking over... it no longer feels full. I can feel the empty room, even as far away as I have been the last few years.
She was important to me! And I never really got to say that. How would anyone know she mattered to me? Why couldn't I say that she was very important to me, to our family? I hear her laugh whenever I stop to think about her. I hate thinking of going back home and not hearing her voice in the kitchen. I know we didn't talk much, but it wasn't the amount spoken....it was the simple fact that it was my family. It didn't matter to me how long we were family, or under what circumstances we became family....we just were.
Tell the people in your life that they matter to you. Tell your family and friends you love them. I haven't been very good at letting people in to my life for a long time. I never saw how much my silence hurt them. I never meant to shut them out. I was just scared.
I am so sorry.
October 23, 2007
More results
Here are some more results....not sure what they really mean yet though. I will schedule my next appointment after the HSG.
Lupus anticoagulant panel with 1:1 mix
*PT 9.3 seconds
*PT INR 0.9 (flagged as low)
*APTT 27.1 seconds
*APTT immediately after addition of normal plasma --no evidence of lupus
*platelet neutralization procedure <8
*tissue thromboplastin inhibition 59.4 seconds
*phopholipid neutralization 61.4 seconds
*dilute russell viper venom induced 39.4 seconds
Hypercoagulability panel
*Protein-c 112%
*protein-s 108%
*activated protein c resistance ratio 2.5
*antithrombin ag, immune meethod 106%
*factor VIII activity, enzymatic 86%
*homocystine 8.6 umol/L
*cardiolipin IGG, EIA 5.5 GPL
*cardiolipin IGM, EIA 4.1 MPL
*F2 gene, p.g20210a mutation normal
Cardiolipin IGG and IGM
*cardiolipin IGG, EIA 5.5 GPL
*cardiolipin IGM, EIA 4.1 MPL
Semen Analysis
Apparently normal, but I dont have numbers for this yet.
Lupus anticoagulant panel with 1:1 mix
*PT 9.3 seconds
*PT INR 0.9 (flagged as low)
*APTT 27.1 seconds
*APTT immediately after addition of normal plasma --no evidence of lupus
*platelet neutralization procedure <8
*tissue thromboplastin inhibition 59.4 seconds
*phopholipid neutralization 61.4 seconds
*dilute russell viper venom induced 39.4 seconds
Hypercoagulability panel
*Protein-c 112%
*protein-s 108%
*activated protein c resistance ratio 2.5
*antithrombin ag, immune meethod 106%
*factor VIII activity, enzymatic 86%
*homocystine 8.6 umol/L
*cardiolipin IGG, EIA 5.5 GPL
*cardiolipin IGM, EIA 4.1 MPL
*F2 gene, p.g20210a mutation normal
Cardiolipin IGG and IGM
*cardiolipin IGG, EIA 5.5 GPL
*cardiolipin IGM, EIA 4.1 MPL
Semen Analysis
Apparently normal, but I dont have numbers for this yet.
October 19, 2007
Starting to get results
We are starting to get results. So far there are no abnormalities.
Progesterone 22.7 (YAY)
Creatinine 0.8
Testosterone 38
Prolactine 5.9
TSH 1.766
Rh factor positive
Rubella negative
HCG negative (means nothing is left over from last miscarriage)
Still waiting for:
cardiolipin IGG and IGM
lupus anticoagulant panel
chromosome analysis (me and Ronnie)
hypercoaguability panel
semen analysis (not for me!)
Need to schedule:
hysterosalpingogram (HSG) with injection
Progesterone 22.7 (YAY)
Creatinine 0.8
Testosterone 38
Prolactine 5.9
TSH 1.766
Rh factor positive
Rubella negative
HCG negative (means nothing is left over from last miscarriage)
Still waiting for:
cardiolipin IGG and IGM
lupus anticoagulant panel
chromosome analysis (me and Ronnie)
hypercoaguability panel
semen analysis (not for me!)
Need to schedule:
hysterosalpingogram (HSG) with injection
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